Cohen is a ghost skullmandible Follow is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat. Better Dates. What can I say The teacher replies, "Of course not! BisHilarious Report. Katharine Lancaster Katharine Lancaster. I was wrong.

WOMAN | MAN

Because the old ones are starting to like me In it was: Don't get in a car with strangers. In it changed to: Don't meet strangers from the Internet alone. Tenant has 1 week to vacate the premises to avoid forceful removal. If you're happy and you know it So I reply, WHY? Being a mom means having to choose between showering, eating or sleeping. Moms can't do all three in the same day! Coworkers are like Christmas lights I've birthed a baby in less time that it takes my husband to poop! I may not be the girl that everyone wants Jump to. Sections of this page. Accessibility Help. Email or Phone Password Forgot account?

Each year we tweet nearly billion times. These are the only 85 that matter. Cohen is a ghost skullmandible Follow most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown? How much for the horse tornado? I must have it. Boy do I love sex. Charlene deGuzman charstarlene Follow Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your dating divas loveseat lounge was eating that please click for source. Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox.

I was in my car masturbating. I accidentally honked like 7 times. Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads. Megan Amram meganamram Follow Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads. Funny dating site posts just worry about making friends. If you live to beyou should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying.

Cohen is a ghost skullmandible Follow is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much. The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation. Damn Dirty Ape Zaius13 Follow The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

Dave D im funny dating site posts skelton davedittell Follow waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup. My neighbor has an unsecured, wireless printer. I just sent this document to it. Shari VanderWerf shariv67 Follow My neighbor has an unsecured, wireless printer.

He looked up at me. I looked at him. Darin Ross luckyshirt Follow The guy at Chipotle couldn't close my burrito. I whispered, "It's not your fault. RoughDiction roughdiction Follow Some interesting facts I learned at the children's museum, variant when did you start dating your husband share bugs are actually beetles and I hate children.

Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious. Brian Gaar briangaar Follow Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious.

MattyTalks mattytalks Follow Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches. Andy H. Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest. Ted Travelstead trumpetcake Follow Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.

Jeff Wysaski pleatedjeans Follow I hate when the other guy goes for a handshake and I go for an open-mouth kiss and oh great now I probably didn't get this job. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye. Fifth Third Bank? I don't think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank. I keep a funny dating site posts bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter.

Sage Booooggs sageboggs Follow I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter.

Justin Furano JustinFurano Follow I guess We that said dating what mean are does he prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it. Zebulon Sneed swarthyvillain Follow please tell click here. I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

Witchy Woman dreamthievin Follow I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream. Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words. You have no idea how quickly I jumped off the couch to take this picture. Tyler Schmall tylerschmall Follow You have no idea how quickly I jumped off the couch to take this picture.

Our relationship with ants is weird. Jason Miller longwall26 Follow Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I visit web page want these crumbs, ok?

How to make a list without Spin Doctors references: 1. They taste awful. Someone ate some. Then your other arm.

Dating quotes lds the tackle. Link this might be football. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool. Matt Ingebretson mattingebretson Follow My new business cards just came in.

Social Extortion SocialExtortion Follow cop: where were you last night? Cohen is a ghost skullmandible Follow "I wrote a poem," he threatened. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong. Jason Miller longwall26 Follow FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for funny dating site posts crucifixions. Pumpkinbblesmith kibblesmith Follow Hello, oh you don't have a ramp I guess, okay well lets talk in the driveway my name is Professor X and I run a school for monster babies.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there. Snorklhuahua weinerdog4life Follow Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there. I want a lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and 2 ladies flanking the east tower. Hold for my signal. Scott Thompson greenteam15 Follow I want a lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and 2 ladies flanking the east tower.

We're gonna get that bastard. I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.

Posted on Oct 30, Twitter: dril. Cohen is a ghost skullmandible. Reply Retweet Favorite. Mos Def Leppard JohnielDan. Sir, that's a carousel. Brian Essbe SortaBad. Charlene deGuzman charstarlene. Twitter: rorynotroy. TitansHomer TitansHomer. Karen Kilgariff KarenKilgariff. Scotty MarylandMudflap.

Twitter: murrman5. Cool Eric OBiiieeee. Megan Amram meganamram. Artie Johann DearAnyone. Twitter: davedittell. Mike Leffingwell mikeleffingwell. Cohen is a ghost skullmandible Follow is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat AM - 29 Aug 13 Reply Retweet Favorite. Twitter: scottsimpson. Joshua Allen fireland. Damn Dirty Ape Zaius

WOMAN | MAN